THE LITTLEST DREAM continues to be just that
I'm really sorry for taking this long, but I've been so busy the past month. I'm putting the finishing touches on one manuscript, and I've just started two more. I think one of the problems I'm having with your story is that the sentences are long and dragging, but I know that underneath there's a great story. I just can't get to it. So, I'm going to pull a Miss Snark and say I pass. If I were an agent, The Littlest Dream would have lost me at page one. That first sentence was really, really tough to read. Painful, almost. And the action took too long. I'd do some major revisions, though I understand this is supposed to be more on the literary side of writing. I think it has some great potential. I love the idea of Ruttleby's and Muttleby's ripping off Tuttleby's, but since I wasn't able to force myself onward, I couldn't get to see what became of it all. So, my biggest suggestion would be to cut all the backstory from the beginning, give description in plainer terms, and cut down on your word usage by 10-15%. If you get this done, I hope (though it's doubtful) that you will resend it.
For anyone wondering, this is the first sentence:
Far up on a topmost shelf, behind an old and well-worn first edition of Huntley Mann’s The Fine Art of Miniatures and Doll Craft, long dusty since the tome’s contents had been learned by rote for so many years gone by now, there was concealed a small hole, just the size of a cufflink, precisely chiseled through the back of the bookshelf as if it were no more than perhaps a common knothole.
If you'd like, you can read THE LITTLEST DREAM at this address: